He's Just Being Jesus
by JustAskMeWhy
Summary: It's hard for most people when they're young and wild to get along with their parents, and Jesus H Christ is no exception.


Jesus was in Heaven, playing _Halo _while he got his highlights done and his feet rubbed. One of the perks of being the Son of God and also God at the very same time was that the tenets of Heaven had to worship him for the rest of eternity, which meant that he could sucker the Flock into doing stuff for him as a "loving gesture" on their part. So while Darnesha was touching up his heavenly highlights hat served to amplify the golden hue of his divine halo, Tom and Tim were rubbing his feet with the holiest of oils. It would not do to have just one person working on one foot at a time. He was Jesus Christ; he died for those sinners so he could appease himself. (After all, if he was God's while also being God at the same time—he loved seeing the mortals go rough the mental acrobatics trying to figure _that _out—then really he died for himself to make himself happy. And if he was happy, then everyone else was happy, right? Right.) Therefore he deserved the very best, which included a foot rub on _both _heavenly feet.

So while his hair and feet were receiving a fraction of the proper attention they deserved, Jesus was bitching about hackers and lag when Yahweh, who was observing in the corner said, "Hey, Jesus."

Jesus let out a long-suffering sigh and drawled irritably, "Whaaaaat?"

"Let me co-op."

Jesus looked up from his game and executed a perfect, angelic Divine Pout. "No!" he hissed.

"Hey! Why not?" Yahweh demanded to know.

Jesus merely rolled his eyes, since he knew his father/self knew the answer. Whenever Yahweh and Jesus did anything against one another, such as play a game of checkers, the activity could very well go on for the rest of eternity. If Yahweh and Jesus were the same person, then by default Jesus had Yahweh's omnipotence and omniscience. Yahweh would know Jesus' strategy, and vice-versa. If both were all-powerful, then there was no way either one could ever lose. So unless Yahweh felt like playing alongside him, Jesus had not interest in playing with his father/self.

"You're no fun" Yahweh moaned after what mortals would consider a week's worth of silence.

Jesus shrugged and materialized some black shutter shade sunglasses onto his heavenly face after Darnesha finished with his hair, then he said, "Deal with it."

"Whatchu playing?" Yahweh asked, even though he knew the answer, what with being omniscient and all that supernatural jazz.

Jesus sighed again and then yelled, "Grah! Medammit, get outta my way, noob!" Jesus threw his perfect limbs up in his frustration, and in turn his amazingly soft knocked into Tom and Tim's chins. Had they been on Earth, Tom and Tim's reactions would have ranged from mildly irritated at best to severely angered at worst. However, this was Heaven, where the occupants all wore the placid smiles of the saved, and they only experienced the feelings of elation, Zen, and reverent adoration. Tom and Tim, instead of expressing any resentment, merely drawled, "Your Holiness, if you could be troubled to graciously indulge us, your humble servants, would you please refrain from any physical outbursts until after we finish with your precious feet?"

Jesus looked down at Tom and Tim as oil dripped down their otherwise white tunics, and so he made the oil disappear with the snap of his fingers. "Sorry, boos," he apologized.

"Jesus," Yahweh said, observing from the corner.

"What?" Jesus said impatiently while Tom and Tim wiped his feet with towels made of martyrs' tears and the fleece of David's favorite lambs.

"Let's play _Just Dance,_" Yahweh suggested.

That did it for Jesus. "Awwww, hells no!" he protested, removing the couch, the TV, and the game system out of existence. "That's it! I'm going on vacation."

"Where would you go to get away from me, you little sass machine?" Yahweh asked, sending a hurricane to a third world country to vent a fraction of his boundless fury. "I'm Gooood! I'm everywhere!"

"I," Jesus said testily, "am going down to Earth, and I don't care if you and your creeper ass will still be there to see me everywhere I go."

"Going to mingle with the mortals?" Yahweh asked scornfully.

"Nooo," Jesus snarked. "I'm going to live with the wolves on the Alaskan tundra!" The thing was, even though he was being sarcastic, Jesus had been there, done that twenty-three times. (You had to come up with _some_ way to fill up the entirety of eternity.)

Yahweh pouted and floated away in a dark cloud of righteous fury and decided he'd vent his frustration via another hurricane on an unassuming island that had a total of three dollars in the local currency put together. Some people would say that the hurricane struck the tiny island because it was just hurricane season, but those who mostly knew how the world worked would know that God sent the hurricane because humans were a filthy, licentious group that took too much pleasure in each other's company. That would teach unmarried heathens to give full frontal hugs and to also kiss with tongue!

They were half right, anyway. Yahweh disapproved of hedonists violating the sanctity of marriage by fornicating before a man in a dress made it official in the eyes of God (even though God was watching at all times, but that was no matter; what mattered was making a big show in front of a group of people while promising to make their marriage a threesome—a holy threesome, of course—by inviting Yahweh into it), which made him angry. However, he also disapproved of Jesus behaving like those unholy hedonists, which also made him angry, so sending tornadoes to destroy buildings with scores of people in them was motivated by two reasons.

The mortals, however, did not need to know that the holy Son of God partook in such vile things, but Yahweh was perfectly content with letting humans put all blame upon themselves. It made them much more obedient if they believed they were vile creatures, which they were, and that Yahweh was perfect, which he was, and that it was always their fault one hundred percent of the time.

Jesus was aware of what Yahweh did when Jesus went down to Earth for pleasure instead of preaching. Yahweh's frustration at Jesus indulging in the carnal pleasures of lowly mortals happened often, but seeing how every mortal would eventually die, and since a good amount of them would be sent downstairs for an assortment of reasons, Jesus shrugged and said that Yahweh was just being Yahweh when he wreaked havoc on the Earth by some natural disaster or other.

Jesus did not care. He had tequila to drink, guys to grind on, girls to mack with, and so much more.


End file.
